All Things Hoodia
"A place for us to discuss, write, debate and vent on all things Hoodia"

Help- the Hoodia Monster is taking over the world!

Worried about avian bird flu? Concerned about the threats of global warming? Afraid of the boogey man? Well, forgot all that - there is a new monster in town - Hoodia Gordonii. It is always good to know something about the monsters you fear - so let's give a quick recap on Hoodia Gordonii.

Hoodia Gordonii is a succulent plant that grows in South Africa. The SAN Bushmen have chewed on Hoodia for close to 1,000 years to reduce their appetite while on long hunting trips. Hoodia is now a highly sought after plant for it ability to suppress appetite. In fact, Hoodia Gordonii is in such high demand it is considered a protected plant and can only be exported with a special permit from the government of South Africa (a CITES permit).

Okay, now you have the facts on Hoodia Gordonii - but the real mystery lies in how it is self replicating and taking over the world. I understand some might want me to provide evidence that a self replicating Hoodia monster exists outside of my imagination, so here you go….

Hoodia is self replicating in email in boxes.

I probably do not need to tell you this one. We have all received the Hoodia spam. Great tidbits like - "Lose 30 pounds while you sleep. Never eat again." Recently it seems as if these emails are multiplying. It is like the Hoodia spam got together with the Viagra spam and had spam babies!

Hoodia spam is replicating and filling our inboxes. Of course, no one selling Hoodia by spam is actually selling real authentic Hoodia - but that does not stop the emails from replicating. It is clear that in the online world Hoodia spam is a growing monster to fear.

Hoodia is self replicating in tubs in South Africa.

Okay, you may be with me on the fact that Hoodia is a replicating monster online - but the problem goes beyond the online world. After much research, I must conclude that Hoodia plants are replicating and planning to take over the world. I will need to give some statistics and history to prove this point, so bear with me…

Hoodia Gordonii is endangered of becoming extinct, so it is protected by a UN treaty called - CITES (Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Wild Flora). What this means is that a CITES permit must be issued for all Hoodia Gordonii that is exported from South Africa. This provides a very easy way to track how much Hoodia is being exported and ensure the Hoodia plant is not harvested to the point of extinction.

Robby Gass, chairperson of the Cape Ethno-botanical Growers' Association, said at an International workshop in Cape Town, that Cape Nature (who issues all CITES permits) had given permits for 25 tons of dried hoodia to be exported in 2005 and 49 tons in 2006.

Since Hoodia is dried at a 10 to 1 ratio, 49 tons of dried Hoodia would translate into 500 tons of actual Hoodia plant. What is the big deal you ask? Well, Gass went on to say "I know there are not 500 tons available in the Western Cape, so where did this hoodia come from?"

Run for your life - Hoodia is self replicating in tubs! How do 49 tons of dried Hoodia get exported when 500 tons of Hoodia plants do not exist in the Western Cape? The answer is clear to me - you simply fill a 25 Kilo Hoodia container with only 10 Kilos of Hoodia and give it a good shake. Open the lid and the 25 Kilo Hoodia contain will be full - thanks to the self replicating Hoodia monster.

Hoodia is self replicating in bottles in the US.

I have just conclusively proven that the self replicating Hoodia monster lives in tubs in South Africa - but wait - it gets even scarier. While 49 tons of Hoodia were exported in 2006, estimates put the amount of Hoodia supplements made in the US at about 100 tons. Yes, that is right - dried Hoodia powder has found a way to double its quantity in just one year. Does this monster have any weakness?

This is why I can't sleep at night - Hoodia gets to the US and then starts replicating in bottles. When will it stop? How soon before Hoodia starts to take our jobs and control our lives? Hoodia is spreading online and in the real world like a true epidemic. Where do I get my Hoodia vaccine?

Why do experts refuse to accept the existence of the Hoodia Monster?

Amazingly, there are some who do not agree with my conclusions - I call these people the "Dreamers". Dreamers live in blissful ignorance of the Hoodia monster and offer up oddball theories on Hoodia. Dreamers claim that Hoodia is being illegally exported from South Africa and other plants are being sold as Hoodia. Hoodia is not self replicating in tubs, it is just that people are lying about what is in the tubs. Dreamers go on to say that in the US 90% of the Hoodia supplements on the market are not made with authentic Hoodia. Hoodia is not self replicating in bottles - it is just that dishonest people are putting saw dust in a capsule and calling it Hoodia. At least, Dreamers are not naïve enough to doubt my claims about Hoodia spam growing out of control.

In the end, which is scarier - my theory that a self replicating Hoodia monster exists or the Dreamers theory that people are lying, deceiving and illegally exporting Hoodia? I don't know about you, but I feel more comfortable sticking with my Hoodia monster theory. At least we know if we leave the light on at night the Hoodia monster will not be able to get us.